Sometimes the phrase “I am my own worst enemy” rings a little more true than we would like. You might find that you are less confident in your decisions, or that you feel anxious when preforming a mundane task. When you are overly critical of yourself, it can make these feelings worse. You can begin to feel that you aren’t good enough or that you don’t deserve the things you want or need. All this self induced negativity will make you feel bad. To reset the cycle and start boosting yourself up so that you can be happier, try these 4 things.
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1. Ease up on productivity pressure
When you put undue pressure on yourself to do everything right and get everything done, you are setting yourself up for failure. Yes, there will always be chores to do. But (unfortunately) they aren’t going anywhere. You can do them any time and it will still be okay. If you take time in the morning to sit and read instead of loading the dishwasher, those dishes will still be there to load before bed. You are allowed to have spare time that is just for relaxing. Spare time does not equal busy work time. If you start your day tired, let yourself rest for a few minutes before you go rushing off to the next thing.
I know the voice in your head my be shouting “but I can’t let my chores get behind! I can’t let it get too bad!” and I hear you. I struggle with those thoughts when I give myself some time to do what I want to do instead of what I think I need to do. But here is what I remind myself: If it really gets too bad or gets too behind, I will know. A few extra baskets of laundry that need to be folded? That’s okay. No clothes left in the dresser? Alright, time to bust out the laundry. You will know when you need to buckle down, but you should not let it stress you out every spare minute.
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2. Stop the negative talk
Self-deprecating humor is a huge part of our culture. A joke here and there is absolutely fine, and it lends to the idea that no one is perfect. However, constantly talking down about/to yourself will perpetuate those bad feelings that bring us down. This is where I struggle the most. My brain loves to tell me all the things I am not good enough at. This might look like saying or thinking that you don’t do enough, or that you aren’t the idealized version of yourself (e.g. not meeting goals, not working hard enough, comparing yourself to others, etc.) When you think these things, you are convincing yourself that they are true. This can result in a lack of confidence and even giving up on goals because you feel hopeless.
To combat these thoughts, try to stop yourself and redirect them. Do not say aloud “I did nothing today”. Chances are, you did do plenty of things, and saying that you didn’t will just make you feel bad. You can say “I didn’t get everything on my to-do list done, but I did do a lot.” Or even “I spent time on me today, it was really nice.” Reassure yourself that you are proud of what you did, and that it was a positive experience. This is one reason I recommend keeping a gratitude journal. I find that recording even a few good things about the day helps me to thing about my life and myself more positively.
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3. Share your accomplishments
Sharing your accomplishments is a great way to keep the positive thoughts going. In the age of social media, this could mean sharing a story about deep cleaning the fridge, or a post about your 10th day in a row of walking. If you don’t feel comfortable being quite that open, make a group chat and share with a few friends or family members. Maybe just tell your partner that you are really proud of how a new recipe turned out. Telling others about what you have accomplished can make you feel even more proud of yourself.
This method works great for in progress goals, too. If your goal is to cut back on caffeine, share it. You will likely find people that want to help support you by offering advice or encouragement. You can have a designated friend that you check in with to share how your progress is going.
Being open in this way can be scary. I know it is for me sometimes. Putting yourself out there and sharing these goals can mean that if you aren’t making the progress you feel you should, people will know. Basically, sharing is uncomfortable being it might make you feel like a failure. But I promise that nobody, especially your loved ones, will see it this way. They want you to meet your goals, and they will support you when progress is slow. They may even be encouraged that you are sharing your journey. Start by sharing with a few trusted people and see how encouraging it can be.
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4. Make mistakes
This one isn’t really something you can do, but more of something you will do. Inevitably, you will make mistakes. But to be nicer to your mental well being, you can work on forgiving and forgetting. If you treat your own mistakes harshly but forgive the mistakes of others, consider why that is. Mistakes of all sizes happen everyday. If you hold on to all your little mistakes, soon there won’t be enough space to see the good. You can still apologize for mistakes, but once you apologize, move on. Again, this is where you are your own worst enemy. Nobody else will be thinking about how dinner on Tuesday night was a bit burnt, or how you misspelled something in your email this morning. Do not spend your energy on reliving mistakes. Accept that it has happened, and let yourself move on. When your brain tries to remind you, “hey, remember this?” tell yourself that you can’t change what happened, and your are done thinking about it.
As you try to be nicer to yourself, remember that it is not always easy (that’s why we are here in the first place!) and it will not be linear. Give yourself time to practice being nice. The biggest thing I will push is that positive self talk feels good and negative self talk feels bad. This seems silly, but it is amazing how different these two things feel in your body.
Please let me know ways that you are being nicer to yourself! I want to hear all the good self talk and patience that you are using.